14 IslandVibesIOP.com CRIME DON’T CALL DISPATCH FOR A GOOD TIME Calls for Service: 1,054. That’s one call every 41 minutes; about as often as someone proposes on a sandbar, gets sunburned beyond recognition or Elon Musk fires someone with a single emoji. Highlights include a gentleman who called 911 because “My neighbor is having too much fun.” No crime was found, but we did consider issuing a citation for excessive Bell Biv DeVoe. DUIS DON’T DRIVE THEMSELVES Arrests: 40. Including 18 for DUI because apparently some folks still treat Palm Boulevard like it’s Daytona Beach circa 1987. Add in lifted golf carts blasting Vanilla Ice and the whole thing felt like a low-budget time travel film with questionable life choices. GOLF CART CRAZIES Golf Cart Stops: 3. Three brave souls dared to challenge traffic laws at 12 mph. One cart was towing a kayak, one was shaped like a pineapple and the third had a homemade cupholder fashioned from a flip-flop and a fishing hook. Arrests: zero. Judgments: many. COYOTES ENJOY SPRING BREAK TOO Coyote Sightings: 21. The same mangy fellow has allegedly stalked a food truck called Taco ’Bout It. We’re unsure if he’s unionizing, running for mayor or just waiting on a churro. Either way, he’s polling well — and honestly, he’s got my vote. HIGHER THAN THE TIDE Drug Violations: 25. Eighteen involved marijuana because nothing says “coastal retreat” like forgetting the laws exist. Other arrests included folks dabbling in ecstasy, meth or in one case, powdered sugar passed off as “a spiritual supplement.” Six citations were issued for decorative bongs doubling as flower vases. Points for style. KEEPING ORDER IN PARADISE, DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS The following incidents were obtained from the Isle of Palms Police Department Media Log Reports. This is a parody of real criminal events that occurred between April and May. The names of individuals and business locations have been omitted out of privacy and respect. POLICE BLOTTER Remember: Leash your common sense, hide your margaritas and if your golf cart has a fog machine and a DJ booth … we’re not mad, we’re just impressed. PARK SMARTER NOT HARDER Parking Citations: 1,266. We wrote enough tickets to wallpaper a beachfront condo. If your excuse was “But I’m local,” we assure you, so are we and we still walk from Wild Dunes to Front Beach like it’s the Oregon Trail. ISLE OF PEACE AND QUIET Noise Complaints: 1. An all-time low. Either the island got quieter or our chronic complainer finally bought noise-canceling headphones and discovered inner peace or bourbon. BUMPER TO BEACH Biggest Traffic Day: April 19. Over 52,000 vehicles entered and exited the island. It's unclear if it was a beach day or a mass evacuation drill gone wrong. Either way, Palm Boulevard hasn’t emotionally recovered and Susan’s still trying to back out of her driveway. SLOW YOUR ROLL The Mobile Radar Trailer is still missing. More than likely, it was quietly pulled to 22nd Avenue for the annual Memorial Day Weekend tractor races. If it starts waving a checkered flag or offering pulled pork, just let it enjoy itself.
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