CRIME Stinky business This past month, the local constabulary noted that marijuana possession topped the charts again, making us wonder if South Carolina might one day embrace the Green Monster and legalize the "stank." Should this day come, officers might pivot to penalizing green trash cans, an arguably stinkier adversary. Not joking about toking While Mary Jane enthusiasts were frequently nabbed, the number of DUIs was halved, suggesting perhaps some folks are learning not to toke and drive. However, drivers should remember to keep those limbs inside the car and steer clear of the curb, unless they're angling for a quick detour to Leeds Avenue via a police escort. Fighting the law In an unsuccessful bid for an MMA-style victory, one local misunderstood the rules of engagement and tried to claim the title by assaulting an officer, resisting arrest and causing a public disturbance. Unfortunately, the only title belt awarded was a pair of shiny handcuffs, leading straight to a not-so-spacious square ring — also known as a jail cell. Young, wild and underage The youthful spirit of rebellion was alive and well, with several minors caught possessing alcohol. Remember young folks, you might be tried as an adult at 18, but you are still too young to toast legally. Suspended and unsurprised Recurrent themes included individuals driving on suspended licenses — some for the second or third time. These repeat offenders earned the not-so-coveted title of habitual traffic offenders. Party poopers Lastly, the usual noise complaints trickled in from those not invited to the local shindigs, their FOMO manifesting as calls to the authorities. If only invitations were as abundant as the fun being reported! 12 IslandVibesIOP.com By Detective Dusty Dunes WINNERS AT LOSING GAMES The following incidents were obtained from the Isle of Palms Police Department Media Log Reports. This is a parody of real criminal events that took place between April 15 through May 13. Names of individuals and business locations have been omitted out of respect and privacy. Stay safe, stay legal and next month, we'll finally crack down on those nefarious green trash cans. While this may have seemed like a slower month than usual, remember summer is around the corner and we can always count on the next three months of shenanigans to fill up the next few editions. POLICE BLOTTER
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