12 CRIME DUIS AREN’T LAW DEGREES Topping the charts this month, DUIs remained undefeated, clocking in at eight incidents. It seems that while the temperature dropped, the blood alcohol content rose. Just a friendly reminder: if you're drinking, the safest place to park is at home on the couch — not in the median. DRUGS DON’T CURE DUMBNESS Our runner-up categories, both tied at five incidents each, were driving under suspension and marijuana/drug possession. In one particularly creative case, a habitual traffic offender decided to diversify his portfolio, pairing psilocybin mushrooms with his usual Mary Jane regimen. While this may have elevated his mental state, it unfortunately also elevated his legal problems. We suspect “habitual traffic offender” wasn’t quite the resolution he envisioned for 2025. WANTED AND MUCH NEEDED COMMON SENSE Meanwhile, another intrepid individual upped the stakes with a Schedule I narcotic possession — while already being a wanted man. Unsurprisingly, this combination didn’t exactly scream “mastermind.” Spoiler alert: it didn’t go well. COMMITTING SAME CRIMES REQUIRES SAME STUPIDITY The following incidents were obtained from the Isle of Palms Police Department Media Log Reports. This is a parody of real criminal events that occurred between December and January. The names of individuals and business locations have been omitted out of privacy and respect. As the weather cooled this month, so too did the number of criminal shenanigans. Could it be that our usual suspects have gone into hibernation? Or perhaps they're saving their energy for springtime infractions? Either way, January's incident report reads like a re-run of last year's greatest hits, with a fresh cast filling the same old roles. Deja vu, anyone? With the weather warming soon, we anticipate a corresponding spike in bad ideas. For now, let’s enjoy the calm while it lasts. After all, February is now upon us, and love might not be the only thing in the air. Stay safe Isle of Palms, and remember: the IOPPD is always ready for your next “Hold my beer” moment. POLICE BLOTTER Living and Selling the Lowcountry Lifestyle #1 Isle of Palms Realtor - 2024 IOP RESIDENTIAL REAL ESTATE www.iop-residential.com 1100 Palm Blvd. 2C Isle of Palms, SC 29451 Amy Rogers REALTOR OF DISTINCTION amy@iop-residential.com 843-824-4892 As seen on IslandVibesIOP.com
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